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Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006
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Sunday, September 24th, 2006
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i will always be second priority.
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Wednesday, September 20th, 2006
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Friday, September 8th, 2006
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Saturday, August 26th, 2006
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alot of times i fear in many ways i've turned into everything i cannot tolerate. i am trying to over come the insecurity issues that seem to ultimately control my life. i have this incredible inability to believe "thruths" that are said to me. if i dont believe it i can't believe someone else. there is no reason to live like this- to drive myself to my own insanity. it'as as if i dont love myself at all, and it's starting to frighten me.
i know i can't just sit around and wait for myself to accept myself... it wont just happen without any effort. but i'm having such a difficult time getting there. my anxiety problems have recently become more apparant to me and allthough panic attacks occur less often i become anxious in most situations i am presented in. How does one change their own thought patterns? i cannot place my finger on whta exactly i can do to convince myself not to think the way i think. I over think everything to the point where i can take the simplest of a subject and completely turn it into the opposite of it original meaning. steve told me once that it is because there is usually more negatives than positives so the ability to turn a positive into a negative is reasonable... because ultimately there are more negative aspects to begin with. I dont want to believe that is true. i do know that i cannot truely have a positive attitude until i start thinking higher of myself. negative self issues will most certainly rub off on any positive attitude i have at a given moment. i got out of drawing 3 because i dont think i'm good enough. all of this is such a big deal to me because for whatever reason my self esteem has completely shattered into nothing. absolutely nothing. i can't get a grip on reality, all i see are these stupid flaws.
he's going to get sick of dealing with this crap. i dont understand why i do this, why i suddenly feel so crazy in my head. it worries me... i dont ever feel good enough. so pettypettypetty, i know.
gahhh i resort to pathetic text messages that will get me no where. asd;fklj ;safkljsaf i couldn't deal with me. whats my problem here, really?
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why do i do this to myself? i am driving my self crazy... i am going crazy. and i'm doing it to myself and i can't help it.
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Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006
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heyheyhye someone come hang out with meee.
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Sunday, August 13th, 2006
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i feel like my opinion doesn't matter because i'm just a dumb little girl who doesn't know shit.
everything i'm interested in isn't good enough and can be brushed off one's shoulder.
because in reality, what i have to say doesn't impact anybody at all.
i suppose it is just frustrating because i have so much to say, but feel limited because no one really cares.
and yeah, i'm fragile. i can't help it.
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steve makes me feel more appreciated than anyone in my entire life ever has. i hope i make him feel that way too.
on a side note: you know.... sometimes you just have to swallow your pride, if you know what i mean. or else you've got nothing... but yourself, and if you're content with that then okay- whatever. but honestly, i try to block it out the best i can because it hurts way too fucking much to even think about it. kind of like being stabbed in the fucking heart. regardless if you would have done the same, i would've died for you. and that is not an exaggeration of any sort. i swear on everything that i believe in, i would have died for you because i've never loved somebody so much. i've never wanted to be there for somebody so strongly in my entire life. but i dont know what kind of words could convince me that it was appreciated by any means- that it actually mattered.i dont know what to trust. i just feel hurt and naive.
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it makes me a lil sad that only one person texted me for my birthday... and no one called me.
it's not a big deal or anything! but i duno, for some reason i feel as though atleast one call from someone could have made the day better.
and i appreciate it josh, it meant a lot!
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I'm so amazingly happy with him.
It's funny that this crush developed on both ends so long ago but our insecurity issues had us believe it wouldn't happen.
but it did, and i still can't believe it but i feel so happy...
I've never had someone treat me with such genuine kindness.
no one has ever treated me so nicely.
before we were ever dating he had done nicer things for me than any boy i've ever known has.
I'm gushing! and I finally feel warmth.
i'm so lucky...
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Exhale
I watch as the smoke from my lungs slowly expands into the air
being blown away, disappearing.
Spreading into the world as a cloud that disintegrates and mixes with the breeze
In some form or another it will be inhaled once again
somewhere down the road by another being, possibly a creature of some sort
As beads of sweat roll down my forehead,
baking underneath the sun... my shoulders burnt to a fire engine red
I realize the connection that inevitably brings together
every living thing that breathes upon the sphere that resides beneath my feet
Our feet.
We have all curiously stared up at the moon allowing the stars to reflect in our eyes at one point in our lives
maybe even if it was just for a split second
It's a never ending cycle of breathing in and breathing out
the generalization of the word 'alive' exists with one meaning
and that is that its impossible to not use the tools that the earth
has presented to us every single day
we all breathe the same air,
squint at the same glorious sun,
and cleanse in the water provided that will undoubtedly refresh our bodies
with beating hearts that beat at different paces
but beat none the less
We will always coexist.
We will always have the ability to understand a little something about someone we can't recollect a past memory with, a stranger
We all are alive
and connected because of that
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it's strange to me how little some people actually do care.
just goes to show that i wasn't that important to them, anyway.
i accept it. i refuse to continue to play into the naive role and believe that i wasn't just an object used for material possesions.
i let people use me. and i pretend to be okay with it.
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This story was sent to me and it made me smile, so I figured I'd share. How anyone could believe that animals don't have thoughts and feelings, especially after reading this, is beyond me.
If you had read the front page story of the SF Chronicle on Thursday, Dec 14, 2005, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines. She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a line tugging in her mouth.
A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farralone Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her - a very dangerous proposition. One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer. They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her.
When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous
circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed them gently around - she thanked them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives. The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never ever be the same.
Actual Article
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2005/12/14/MNGNKG7Q0V1.DTL
Statement of Fact
http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/g/grateful-whale.htm
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Wednesday, May 24th, 2006
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| Time: | 10:08 pm. |
| Mood: |  content. |
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Today was very good.
I needed it!
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i can't deal with these panic attacks any longer. i dont understand what is wrong with me. i'm so terrified, so tired. i'm sick again and i swear to god it's like i come down with something different every week. whenever i try to sleep, and wake up... my eyes are are swollen shut and it is very difficult to open them. i don't know exactly what this means.
I probably wont be attending school tomorrow... i will be surprised if i pass this year. i've missed so much school, around 30 days this year. i have the worst head ache and all my brother and kristin seem to do is LAUGH for hours and hours and hours, and i can never sleep. they are always so loud. I'm not kidding though, i never here actual words... i just hear laughing. and i suppose i am jealous. In my current state i dont feel as though i could laugh at anything. i really dont know what is wrong with me. why- all of a sudden- has my entire life gotten so depressing that i can't even bare to breathe at times? i can't handle it. i honestly feel like i am mentally going insane. i've never felt this out of control in my entire life.
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So many things seem to be going on inside my mind that I can't really think of a consistent thought for more than a few seconds at a time. I broke down hysterically last night for a couple hours and i don't know why, i don't know why i feel so crazy right now. apparantly the medication i am on right now has caused people to commit suicide. so, hah... i guess it makes you go crazy. i just want to curl up into a ball. i honestly have never felt this crazy before.
i don't believe i am a particularly depressing individual but right now i just want to dig my fingernails into my skin. i just want to hide within myself. and i want this obsession to go away, everytime i indulge in one of the most healthiest things one can do, i feel ashamed. i feel ashamed and I tell myself I am a weak,weak person for not having enough will power. i beat myself up about it all day, and whenever i do have strong enough will power... i pride myself for it. and i am so pathetic because it's the one thing i'm ever proud of myself for at times. I wish I could have some sort of powerful self esteem, i wish i didn't always question myself. and as cheesey as this sounds, i just want to feel fucking beautiful. But I feel flatlined instead. I feel like I am going to be easily replaced due to past experiences. i just can't see what is interesting about me, why someone would ever want to choose me over the next person.
s;afjkl;jkl i can't stop focusing on all of these terrible things. there is this lump in my throat and i have a difficult time breathing at times. i shake, and whenever i eat I feel disgusting. and i just want those little bones that poke out. i want to accept my skin and the person that exists inside of it but i don't feel worth it. i feel like there needs to be something extraodinary about me for it to happen, and i just can't find it. i can't deal with myself. and i understand why most people seem to move along from me. my insecurities make me believe that she'll replace me too. i wouldn't want to put up with me, i don't.
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well my friday night ended up pretty good. I headed over to the arboretum with amy and met up with sarah and gwen and we all ate and played hackey sack for a while. got some free ice cream at sarah's work! nothing particularly special happened... but it was fun. Saw tons of people i haven't seen in ages, it's strange. We only hung out there for a bit, and then gwen and I went back with sarah and just hung around her house all night... paintin', watching movies.
surprisingly enough i ran into morgan again randomly when she was there with her father. i know she'll probably read this at some point in time, and i'm sorry, but it was as if she was just being... very condensending to me and my friends. I've wanted to help her in so many ways but i really feel like it's a lost cause. i've given and given and given and given just because i feel as though i cared so much... and i don't know, i'm sick of never getting anything in return from people. i don't know if she means it, i really honestly just can't handle it anymore. i'm sick of being walked all over, i'm sick of being so damn passive. i can't describe the way she treated me, i guess i just felt like i wasn't important. i suppose in reality when i actually sit to think about it, i can be so naive sometimes. the first sign of affection someone shows me i convince myself it's true. people can show you things but it doesn't mean it's true. why can't i learn that?
i wish my parents weren't so suspicious about me hanging out at the arboretum. honestly if i could think of another place to go hang out with people i would, but it's really the only place i can think of. i'm really just trying to clear my head right now, i'm confused about where i'm going in life... what exactly am i doing? i realize i screw up a whole lot, but my mom is already getting pissy about me because she said she saw me hanging out with morgan. i guess i was in a way but its not like we planned it out and then smoked mad bowls in the woods... i really only ran into her for a little bit. it just s;fkljsad;flkj god damn, pisses me off that my freedom is going to be limited because of someone who out of no where decides to treat me as if i dont have a thought that matters. and you know, i really don't want to be associated with her. so much god damn drama. i just want to be able to be free to do things and have their trust. honestly, i'm going to continue to be clean until... well, for a long time. i'm sick of going in a circle with them. and i have a feeling something bad may happen. i guess i dont know how to prove myself worthy of trust when i hang out there because i run into 'shady' people. man, there really is some fun times there though. i wish they weren't so strict. sigh. i wish it was ok for me to hang out at a coffee shop and talk to all of my friends.
i swear to god i'm goign to make this summer different, i can't deal with having to be grounded and rotting in my room all day again. i've experienced that WAY too much. as for now it's a matter of what is more important to me. and freedom is amazing, really.
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Last night was pretty fun. Nic, sarah, amy, and I all decided to go to the neighborhood theatre to see lotus... they were awesome. sarah met some drunk 25 year old guy, who thought she was 21 because of her fake ID and red wrist band. Sarah is 17.. but was trashed aswell, obviously. Watching this situation unfold was strange. although there wasn't much harm done besides later embarrassment for sarah the next morning. I ran into a lot of people I have not seen in a while, and I got to see Shae and she's so cute/sweet. i hope that we can hang out sometime. I also ran into sydney and her boyfriend, and it was nice to see them. they are cute together.
I danced so much I am sore!
I got a little sick in the middle of the show, and unfortunately threw up. I just dont understand how i am supposed to eat... i can't eat before or after i take my anti biotics, because i get sick. and i take them twice a day. Luckily I am only on them a week more... and then i am scheduled for an ultra-sound =\.
after the show we enjoyed sarah's rapping and beats in the back of the car for a good thirty minutes. she then bought nic gas money and us all food. we kept telling her she is drunk but she insisted!! I didn't drink at the concert at all because I was nervous about my anti biotics and the effect i may get drinking with them... however, when we all got to sarah's i took a few shots of tequila... and, for as little as i drank... I got pretty ridiculously drunk. I suppose it is a matter of me not having been drunk in such a long time, along with the antibiotics thinning my blood like crazy. But at this point I felt great and around 5 everyone passed out... and i was just then getting tons of energy and wanting to talk to someone. i rambled on for a long time though. Overall, was a good night:).
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i feel like a crazy person
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